Customs Agent: “Whur have ya been?”

Me: “Brasil, Argentina, Uruguay, Chile, Bolivia, and Peru.”

CA: “What is it that you do?”

Me: “I’m currently unemployed.”

CA: “How can ya afford vacation if yur not werkin’?”

Me: “I had money saved.”

And then he slashes a big X through my customs form and I proceed to the next stop where all of my bags are pulled apart in search of drugs.  It took awhile so I got to have a longer chat with this official.  A few bits of our conversation:

CA: “What’s this?”

Me: “It’s cachaça.”

CA: “What’s cachaça?”

Me: “It’s Brasilian alcohol.  A drink.”

A bit later in our conversation:

(Official pulls out a box of business cards and turns them over looking confused.)

Me: “Business cards.  I was networking.”

CA: “Yah want to live thur or sumthin’?”

Me: “Sure.  Why not?  It’s beautiful there.”

CA: “It’s not as nice as yah think.  It’s bad down thur.  Dangerous.”

And this is where I keep my mouth shut because I’m dealing with government officials.  But what I wanted to say was excuse me, SIR, but you are the stereotypical ignorant fool that makes America the butt of everyone’s joke.  You clearly know nothing of Brasil except for whatever the media feeds you.  It’s dangerous if you’re dumb, but anywhere else is comparable.  Not to mention I just spent a significant amount of time in the country – which is why you’re pulling all my shit apart – and have firsthand knowledge of exactly what is going on down there.

Anyway, another excerpt:

CA: “How long did it take to get yur visa?  I dun git to travel much cuz I gotta werk.”

Me: “It was pretty fast.  Expensive though.  It’s pricey to travel as an American — reciprocity fees and visas everywhere.”

CA: “Yeah, we don’t have the best relations with a lot of countries.”

NO KIDDING.  But again, no response from me because I don’t feel like creating friction when I’m attempting to go home and am clearly suspect.

After four months of trying to put a good name out for Americans, to show other people that we can be intelligent, cultured, and able to hold a conversation, this is what I come back to?

Ugh.  Send me back to South America.  And by all means, keep cracking those gringo jokes.

“I think you’re smaller than me.”

“No, I think you’re smaller than me.”

“Well, I think I’m shorter than you, but you’re skinnier than me.”

“I don’t think so.  How about we just agree that we’re the same size?”

“OK.”

Now please excuse me for a moment while I count the ways in which my vertical challenges are actually a gift in disguise.

1. The highest of heels will never make you taller than your date.
2. The dating pool is much larger than your amazonian counterparts.
3. Big heels look better in a size 5 rather than a 10.
4. Good things come in small packages, no?
5. According to Nina (and she probably doesn’t even remember saying it), our personalities are too big for our bodies making us more fun and outgoing.
6. No long, awkward limbs when we dance.
7. People assume you were a gymnast/dancer/cheerleader (I’ve been 2 of the three).  Why, you ask, is this a good thing?  I am chained to a computer for most of my waking hours.  It leads me to believe I still look relatively in shape.
8. If you fall over you’re already close to the ground so it doesn’t hurt as much.  This is an important one to me because I tend to take a lot of diggers.  See #1 and #3 as to why.

I could go on, but for fear of offending any vertically gifted readers, I will stop.  Anywho, I took these photos of Nina (and myself) on my rooftop a couple of weeks ago on a chilly Saturday.

Click the image to view larger.

I spent this 4th of July weekend in the Hamptons at an 8 bedroom “house” that a friend rented for the month (apparently the owner of the place is President of Capitol Records — he was there the first night, but didn’t go out with us because he had to go sign Lenny Kravitz… ridiculous, no?).

Upon arriving 5 hours later than planned, three pasty-white city girls stumble into a house full of tall, thin, exotic beauties from Miami.  Inferiority complex?  Just a bit.  They were all very nice, it was just startling and unexpected.  Plus, I do much better in a room full of men than women.  Big groups of chicks are intimidating in themselves.  Which is one of the many reasons I’m glad that I wasn’t born with a penis; it’s better to be part of the flock of wolves that try to circumvent it.

So after securing a bedroom and lounging poolside for the rest of the afternoon, we got ourselves together and headed to Trata* where my friend’s boyfriend is a bartender.  The scene was as follows: blond, botoxed, middle-aged women dressed like 18 year olds clutching their designer bags and towering on $500 heels.  Labels were abundant.  It was a restaurant full of this.  It was terrifying.  And it was a reality check.

The next day we prowled around Sag Harbor where two girls gave us the card in the photograph above.  The name of the store they were promoting made me laugh.  The Hamptons really are about labels.  Even during the day in this little beach town there was enough Lacoste and J. Crew to make my closet full of Urban Outfitters and thrift duds throw up a little bit.

Best part of the trip?  A guy asked my friend for her number to show her a good time the next time she was in town.  This is the dialogue that ensued:

“There won’t be a next time.”

“Oh no?  Why is that?”

“It’s not really my scene.  These people are on another planet.”

“I used to not like it either, but you just have to ignore them… blah blah blah lots of talk about how great the Hamptons are… it gets better.”

“When does it get better?  After you become one of them?”

Basically I realized that yes, I do want to make a shitload of money (who doesn’t?), but there is no way I will ever become part of that crowd.  Though they make a statment – a very extravagant statement – designer labels aren’t something that I ever want to be commonplace in my life.  Fashion isn’t about having THE thousand dollar dress.  It’s about creativity: taking expensive things, cheap things, new things, and old things and making yourself look good.  At least that’s how I see it.

*I would like to note that the food and drinks at Trata are amazing.  If you go early (7 or so), you can miss the Hamptonite crowd and enjoy an amazing Greek dinner.

Click the image to view larger.

The other day I was out to dinner with some very smart friends. While two were engaged in their own conversation, the third turned to me and asked, “How do you think quantum physics shapes human morality?” Whoa. What? My face went blank and I didn’t speak for a few moments until I laughed and told my friend that I was sorry, I didn’t mean to space out on him, but my mind started going about 100 miles an hour to come up with some kind of appropriate response. Surprisingly enough, I actually had one because of the fact that I had just read an amazing book that had a huge impact on how I look at the world: Ishmael.  And I’m glad I read it because it made me feel smart for a hot second.

I don’t really associate morality with quantum physics (think What the Bleep Do We Know? and The Secret). I think the easiest way to figure out morality is to look at immorality. What makes people immoral is our government and our society. By standardizing a code of law and saying that This Is Right and This Is Wrong, life becomes far too black and white. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that people are basically moral in nature and don’t mean to do harm. However, it becomes confusing when someone says “lying is wrong,” though, in truth, lying isn’t necessarily wrong in itself. It’s how it is used. For example (and I’m totally stealing this from the book, but it’s a great example), go back to Nazi Germany. You are hiding a Jewish family in your attic. Nazis show up at your door and ask if you know the whereabouts of said family. If your answer is yes, you have just sentenced an innocent family to death.

Each situation that a person is faced with is different in context and character, and there is no single response that can be used every time. A person should be able to call upon their own knowledge and understanding of the world in order to make the right call. Laws and commandments and regulations and rules create confusion and undermine our innate ability to think for ourselves. They also, as far as I’m concerned, are what create greed (“I want the rules to work for me.”) which, in turn, creates resentment, anger, and hate, and these eventually turn into violence.  And when are violence and cruelty ever moral?  The system works against itself.  By trying to keep people in line, the opposite has been achieved.

There’s a lot more to be said about this, but I’m pretty sure I just took a superbly radical stance on something that no one ever agrees on anyway: the government.  If you disagree with me, and I’m sure the majority of you do, then do yourself a favor and go pick up a copy of that book by Daniel Quinn.  After you read that, then we’ll talk.

Click the image to view larger version.

I took this in the very early hours of the morning at the hostel bar. This is exactly what the atmosphere felt like the entire time I was at this hostel: blurry. Kidding! …Kind of. Regardless of the amount of brain cells that were demolished in a day, there were always an intriguing mix of people from all over the world – none that I know of over the age of 25 – engaging in some intense discussions. The guy on the left here is from California and was traveling alone; same as me. The girl on the right is from Scotland and had been living and working at the Piggy for a year. They both taught me a few things that are better left in my head rather than put out into the world for my family and employers to read.

For a while now, my cousin whom I live with has wanted to get a puppy. However, there are obvious reasons that are hindering the decision like, “Can we keep it alive?” So while I was in Amsterdam, I picked up a tulip-in-a-can at a very touristy shop to bring home for her to try and grow. If she were successful, then we’d be closer to getting a puppy knowing that there’s a chance we won’t kill it. Anyway, this tulip is a pretty simple concept; all you have to do is water it and stick it in some sunlight. Well, after a couple of weeks Sarah came running out with the can yelling, “It’s germinating!!” and then followed that by saying, “It’s anti-semitic!” to which her Jewish boyfriend and I replied, “Huh?!” She had to explain the joke that went flying over our heads. “It’s GERMAN-ating! Get it?? It’s becoming German! It doesn’t like Jews!” Oh, Sarah. You are such great entertainment.

Amy : I need some food in my life

Amy : I’ll be back shortly

Christina : k

…

Amy : I’m baaaack

Christina : how was the grub?

Amy : I got sushi

Amy : about to devour it

Christina : mmmm sushi

Amy : I haven’t eaten it in so long

Amy : I’m trying to be super healthy again

Amy : I’ve gained weight recently and I’m not pleased

Christina : Amy… you’re a button, shut up

Amy : my thighs disagree

Christina : ok, if you have big thighs, then I have tree trunks

Amy : oh please

Amy : you have lightning legs

Christina : haha, what does that mean?

Amy : they’re like hot flashes of lightning

Amy : is it cold up there?

Amy : I have no idea what to pack

Sarah : it was 66 here yesterday

Amy : FAWK YEAH

Sarah : today it’s real nice, too

Amy : awesome

Sarah : Kait came over to help me find outfits

Sarah : because any event in our family is a fashion show

Amy : yeah but we don’t wear abercrombie like it’s our job

Sarah : basically it’s everyone vs Angela’s boobs

Angela, if you ever see this, I apologize. But it’s true. You’re the D-cup in a room full of A’s and B’s. What do you expect?

Amy : I’m an insatiable beast these days

Christina : me too

Christina : I dont know whats wrong with me

Christina : I’m always hungry

Amy : me too

Christina : how do I fight these evil urges?

Amy : I know what my problem is

Amy : I’m eating away my sex drive

Amy : trying to at least

Christina : hey, thats a good idea

Amy : no it’s not

Christina : cause if I eat an entire batch of brownies…I won’t wanna have sex cause I’ll feel like a whale

Amy : but see, I’d much rather be having sex

Amy : but that’s probably because I haven’t had any recently

Christina : me too, who am I kidding?

Amy : who ARE you kidding?

Amy : please bitch

Christina : but sex is right up there with eating

Christina : scarily equivalent

Amy : my god, I wish I could like, post our IM conversations somewhere

Amy : maybe I will on my blog

Christina : I love our convos

Amy : they make my day so much better

Christina : it’s insight on female interaction

Amy : it is

Christina : guys could learn a lot

Amy : sometimes they’re a little out there though

Amy : I’ll have to edit them

Christina : yeah, you don’t want people getting scared

Amy : exactly

And there you have it. A new addition to my blog. Stay tuned.